sceeter's Journal

" Today i saw something that I'll never be able to forget, though I wish that I could. A man brought me an injured infant that apparently had been injured in a saboteur's bombing or some kind of explosion. The poor baby must have been only a few months old. It had lost an arm and only had three fingers on it's left hand. The most disturbing thing about it was the serene smile it had on it's face. It makes me sad that a child will suffer for the rest of it's life because one man in his arrogance thought that his beliefs were more important than this child's life. I can't get that picture out of my head. Everytime I close my eyes I see the baby. It makes no sense why things have to be like this. I hate those that would knowingly drag innocent people into situations like this. Only soldiers should have to carry the heaviest burdens of war, not children, not men and women, just soldiers. We have chosen this for ourselves, so they wouldn't have to. It doesn't make any sense. I hate it. "

please come home safe little brother

i forgot this was still here. no matter...
my back still pains me from when i got hit walking on the side of the road. now after nearly losing conciousness and hours of testing... i need more according to the doctor... to clarify an "irregularity " they saw when monitoring my heart. no history for this in my family, more proof that i was not meant to live very long. maybe, in that way i _am_ like my father. my grandfather probably wont live through the year. i doubt i shall ever see my brother again, i have a sense of certainty that he will die in that hot wasteland. i only pray that my heart beats long enough to let me outlive my mother. she will need help to bury my brother when his body comes back.
my army buddy's car is falling apart, it is such a pain fixing it constantly. i will save my money instead of buying a car. who knows what disasters are in store for me next. i have cut and burned my skin savagely out of hatred for myself. my heart holds only hurtful things. i make my mother cry, because i am mean. i am mean because i have no hope of being better. the people that i have left behind will never understand what i am saving them from, even if they read this. my house is habitable once again... but bare. i was hoping that i would feel some relief when things were restored, but that hasn't happened. i geuss the loss of my work, my record, was too much.i still feel homeless. this is the first thing i have written since my life started to more rapidly fall apart. the tremors in my mind keep me from focusing enough to do this anymore. i will not name anyone, but believe me, to those that i once cared for... i can no longer be your friend, but i did love you. i really did.i hope this answers any lingering questions.

Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.

What color do you see the world in?
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damn it. i do not have boobs.

ahh the gap widens

wayward longing

i can remember the look in my father's dead eyes

news about my grandfather and my brother is not encouraging. i hide much of the details from my poor mother. she has had too much tragedy in her life, and unfortunately having me as a son was her reward. still, i protect her as best i can.i cant even begin to say half the things that are going on right now. i feel like we are on the verge of something awful happening. in fact, i am certain of it. friends mean less now. i mean less. i hope my family lasts another year.
my skin is thin these days. its easy to pry things from me. its easy to cut. i wear a mask when i go outside, so few know. few care to. there is no closeness. i am not doing a good job of sheltering myself from the pain of loving people. i must resist the urge to care. to not do so will make things increasingly difficult.
i await anxiously my turn to go away. in the meantime i will do what i must. i feel like some modification of myself is appropriate. the burning and itching of healing wounds replaces well the lack of feeling i have in my body.

my head right now is filled with disorganized thoughts
i am starting to break under the stress

my heart aches. when those that i love leave, what will i do then?
i am imprisoned by my fear

my dreams, the ones that i have had before... have come back once again
i can smell death in the air

please forgive me for being weak

i find that i look at things just a little bit longer than most people. i listen a little bit longer to the same sounds, drag my fingers just one more time over the same surfaces, and hold my breath for a few more pained seconds. i think the world is vibrating to some song that is just beyond my comprehension.

I wanted so badly to tell you that
the words each time graced my lips
like an imposter.
Only to fall away like some wolf
caught in a winter storm
to reign its fury on the blinding winds alone
unbeknownst to any hearing.
I pray that you can hear them
for what they are
feel them for what they are
and not mar them with the knowledge
that they stand apart from your ability
to reciprocate them.
Please take them in your heart
and feel them with your eyes closed
and your soul open
for just a moment…

the only thing that sucks more than my own suffering, is that of my loved ones. for them i pray that peace will find them on this night, and soothe them in these sour times.

i fight the certainty that i was not meant to live very long. it seems to be a part of every thought i have.i must out live my brother and mother, only when they are gone will i have rest. i have so much inside of me that i cant control how it comes out. the mania that seems to entertain my friends... i feel is my aggression manifesting itself. it grows , as does the polar oposite. i have cut the ends of my fingers to find greater sensitivity. i wish i could improve my eyes as easily. things are not all well, though i will say they are to those who ask. my burdens are my own. they result from my refusal to except the fact that i wasnt meant to live like the masses i see shuffling back and forth. some people have their lives predestined to a degree. i believe mine was intended to be shorter than it has been. i am extending the time i was supposed to have. a part of me is jealous that i couldnt have the blessings that so many have. i have scraped together an existance that is completly my own. i owe nobody. certain pains are reminders of the glimmer of humanity that i have still. i know this is why i can not trust anyone enough to love them. i am on borrowed time, it would be unfair to involve others. my failure is only greatened by commiting myself to other people . they must not see me as a crutch. that would only doom them, as i bend like the silent reed. my anger burns holes into everything i touch. there is no salvation except the long sleep that i await. my skin feels like a profanity, but i have touched grace in my life. so it has not been forfeit. i can feel my back twisting and coiling forcing me to crouch into a painful posture. i pray the morning comes.

***

i can remember my skin under her nails, the poison in her eyes

sceeter? what kinda name iz dat nigga you fuck wit me and get blasted by my gat and watch yo brains go splat, all ova da pavement your skull got caved in, i pull out my dick and yo sister gave in

bad_newz, what? nigga shut yo mouth up, cause evry time you dont, you burp some giz up. nigga dont rush that shit, nigga suck me off . your moms a bitch , when she swallows she coughs

now i can make it happen my rappin iz similar to muthafuckas when they scrappin blast and watch em back notorious sceeter killa afiliation wit deathrow niggaz get they caps peeled back fool dis da westcoast

little nigga named newz thought he new tha score, called himself bad but he shoulda said whore. oh im the leader of this sceeter rap mission, ill take this mike and beat you to submission. you aint nothin but a scared little woman, you make less noise then your mom did comin.

hahahahahahahhahahaha

gasp

hahahahahhahahahahhahaha

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<A HREF= " http://quizilla.com/users/Shirono/quizzes/The%20inner%20color%20quiz%20(Utena%20Images)" > <IMG SRC="http://homepage.mac.com/werkers/colorquiz/youarered.jpg"> You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on. What inner color are you? </A>

one day... i will stop beating the air with my lungs, my eyes will stop stealing the light from the sky, and my feet will tread the earth no more.

i have the same dream
over and over, it doesnt come every night
but almost

...

my dreams
they are too awful
they make me
think awful things
i was dreaming
that i was in my car
driving to some unknown place
the radio was on, though barely audible
the sky was slightly overcast
i remember the specks of dried salt stuck to my windsheild
i remember looking at the dust in the air vents reflect the fading sunlight
and then
the world around me exploded
a sudden shock
sent my body
flailing around
the restraints cutting into my skin
my head crashing into the airbag
i could see
the horizon spinning
i could feel the inertia as my car spun in midair
then every piece of glass erupted into a shower of razors
as my car came crashing down
i could feel my body collapsing onto the pavement
through what was
my sunroof
my car still skidding forward
slowly rotating like a top
i could feel my face
grinding
the skin disintegrating
the bone chipping away
as my head dragged along the pavement and broken glass
i could see the other vehicles
skidding and swerving past mine
through my one good eye
the other having been destroyed
the good eye
burning
filling with blood
encrusted with debris
and hair
i could see
another truck
its tires dwarfing everything else
i could feel the air as it moved closer
i could count the the fractions of each second
as if they were hours
it just kept on coming
its horn blaring
the rasping of its tires against the pavement
the shreeking of its brakes
the booming of its engine
it just kept coming
and then
the world exploded again
everything blew apart
i could feel the plates of my skull pull apart
i could feel the vertebrae of my neck shatter into splinters
my brain turning to liquid
then it was over
and i woke
i was disoriented
i didnt know where i was
if i was alive
or anything
i couldnt walk
after my paralysis ended
so i fell to the floor
and crawled
into the bathroom
and ran water over my head
and just huddled in the bath tub
shaking
i didnt sleep at all
after that

my dreams are taking over me

nightmares really

---

what will i do , if my brother comes home with a flag draped over him. i have given him all the hope that i have, but will that keep him from harm. my father is gone. my mother wont be around forever. my brother and i have always been there for each other. what will happen to us now.

this world is filled with madness. i am being torn apart by all the hurt that i see and feel. i am generous with myself, but the world cares not. fate has never spared me from torment. how will i tell my mother that things will be ok without my brother if it comes to that.

it concerns me that i cant stop thinking about the same thing, over and over again. i am obsessed with the idea of disfiguring myself. especially damaging my face and head by tearing or puncturing it. i think a lot about what it would feel like to have a drill placed into my forhead or an eye socket. it would be interesting to know what exactly would happen to someone if they did that to themselves.i find that people's external bodies are disgusting, mine most of all. when i close my eyes, i think about peeling the skin from my skull... like the rind off of a rotten fruit. im starting to wonder why more people dont feel like this. blood is so beautiful. how can it be that such an ugly vessel contains it.

It's the beginning of the end
You want things to go faster
It's the beginning of the end
Now everything's too slow for you
It's the beginning of the end
You are one step closer
It's the beginning of the end
Say Amen

i hate panic

i hate being so angry all the time, i feel less a man

i hate not trusting anyone

i hate myself for letting good things go

i hate seeing such beauty, when i have nothing but ugliness inside

why do i feel worse when i see my friends

why do i dream of dieing everynight

my dreams are terrifying. they are affecting me during the day. i was in a state of panic when i woke. i have difficulty remembering a time when i was more frightened. i couldnt even walk. i crawled to the door, muttering non-sensical things, and collapsed.

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